The Direction Called REAL...One of my favorite coaching questions is, “Are you being real or are you being nice?” Some of the people with whom I work are from the Midwest, where a high value is placed on niceness. In Minnesota they even refer to this quality as Minnesota Nice. You may have picked up on the signs along life’s way that people can’t handle you if you’re real, so you opt to be nice instead, masking your true feelings or wishes for fear of making someone feel uncomfortable. Heaven forbid you should be labeled unreasonable, a know-it-all, selfish, or worse. Better just to agree or shut up.
Maybe you go to either/or thinking: I can either be real or I can be nice. How about considering both/and? If you try to be “real” without kindness, chances are whatever you are trying to say won’t be heard. The listener will either think you are being demanding or feel the need to defend himself, and that kind of stress impedes hearing your message for sure. If you’re just nice without realness, people perceive this as wishy-washy behavior that does not inspire trust. No win here either.
What would it be like to be both real and nice?
Communicating information or giving feedback that is not 100 percent glowing can be challenging to deliver. It’s easy to freak yourself out, imagining how the other person will react. Here are some things that might be helpful to remember:
• Feedback is just information from another person’s perspective.
• The giver can preface feedback with words like, in my opinion or from my perspective.
• The receiver’s job is to take in the information, think it over, and decide what she is willing to do with it.
Consider how much easier it is for you when people tell you what they want rather than make you try to guess. This kind of mind-reading expectation can feel frustrating and disrespectful. It’s like having a map with no compass. Which direction is the right one? Let’s be real—you can know a person extremely well and care for him or her deeply, and still not be able to know what he or she is thinking or wishing 24/7!
Now think about how much easier situations are when you exercise the courage to be real, say what you want, and trust that other people can hear it. You know when you’re being real and when you’re not. Practice watching yourself this week, and notice the times and situations when it’s easy to be real. Notice the places where you tend to go nice or silent.
What if realness is a direction rather than a destination? It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Choose to head in the direction of real, and reap the benefits of respectful communication, warm relationships, and the trust and respect of people who are important to you.
~Dina Emser
Dina Emser is a Professional Development Coach who partners with people to identify their strengths and use them more fully to reach their goals. Call for a complimentary consultation (309.467.4429) or visit her website, www.dinaemser.com.
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